Dang it All
Trials and Travails of a 20-something
Friday, August 29, 2003

I'm off to Longview tonight. Time once again to see friends, spend hours alone in the car, and get away from home for a while. If you're at LU, see you soon.

Thursday, August 28, 2003

I was never cool enough to get a job at a record store...
- The Refreshments

Music playing right now: Royal Tramps - Inside Game

My days are starting to pass by in a blur. I wake up with a groaning noise, twist my head as far away from the insistent beeps of my alarm as I can, and pound at it blindly with my hand. Showers are quickly followed by class work class homework sleep repeat. All I have left to show for my work at the end of the day are hands that are quickly becoming more and more calloused with less and less skin covering them. I deliver TVs for a living. 32" console, 19" combo, 56" projection (particle board or plastic back), 60" plasma: This is the new vocabulary I speak all day long.

Yesterday I delivered a 50" flat plasma to a house that easily cost $750,000. Right after we'd thanked the 55 year old balding fat man for spending $9600 on it, we headed out to deliver a 25" to a pear shaped grandmother who's lived in the same tiny house for the last 40 years. These two people will probably never meet. I wonder sometimes though if they sit at home and watch the same stuff. Does the man sip his wine and sit on his divan chuckling at the same sitcom that the grandmother enjoys on her couch with her diet coke? Is television the great equaler or simply the great intellect vacuum?

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Another meeting of the Child Actors in Terrible Drag club, including lifetime members Macauly Culkin and Gary Coleman.

"I think it would be a good idea."
- Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948), when asked what he thought of Western civilization

Music playing right now: They Might Be Giants - Cowtown

Today's oneword:


I once ate a butterfly. It didn't taste anything like butter. I was dissapointed. I was hoping for that country crock just churned taste. Instead I got dirt, smudgy wings dissolving on my tongue, gooey body, stick legs. The colors dissapeared underneath my lips and colored them in a lip gloss shmear.

Monday, August 25, 2003

No man is lonely eating spaghetti; it requires so much attention.
- Christopher Morley

Music playing right now: Bif Naked - Twitch

It's finally come down to this. If I asked for a better sign from heaven, I don't think I could get one. I was bending over/squatting today, picking up a plasma TV ($8000!!!). While in this somewhat awkward position, I heard a muffled pop and all of a sudden my pants felt much looser. The button holding them together just decided it wasn't worth the strain anymore. It gave up the ghost. I think it was one of the saddest moments of my life. It's time for a diet. I just can't decide between the grapefruit, the atkins, or the slimfast one. Adios for now.

I am so money, baby.
Music playing right now: Cherry Poppin' Daddies - Zoot Suit Riot

Today marks the start of another year of school. My 7th semester. 15 more hours of classes.

Here's to higher education, higher learning, and the hope of higher wages.

Sunday, August 24, 2003

Watch swingers. good movie.

Saturday, August 23, 2003

Well, the people with the huge TV managed to redeem themselves. At least half of them. The wife was still annoying, but the husband is a pretty cool guy. He helped us drag the behemoth down the stairs and then gave us both a beer to cool us off when we were done. We sat around and talked about surround sound systems for 30 minutes or so. He's getting one of those too. Who knows, we might have to go back a fifth time to install it.

Today was a long day. I'm not sure about this whole working 6 days a week thing. I'm never going to be able to rest. More later. Must go eat.

Friday, August 22, 2003

I may not have gotten your virginity, but can I at least have the box it came in?
Anna Maxbauer

Music playing right now: Soul Coughing - St. Louis is Listening

If you ever buy a huge TV, be nice to your deliverymen. We're really nice guys at heart. Somebody came in on wednesday and bought a 60" Phillips HDTV. The man assured us that he'd measured the steps down to his basement 5 times and he knew it would fit. So we dragged it out there on Thursday. His wife was the only one there, a 30 year old aging cheerleader and prom queen. The three of us there instantly took a dislike to her, but were still nice and polite. She admonished us about 6 times to make sure we didn't scratch her walls and then we started inching this huge behemoth of a television down her steps. Steps which included a 90 degree turn in the middle, something that we hadn't been told. We got the set about halfway down and then she conceded that it just wasn't going to fit. So we pushed it back up the stairs, waited for her husband to come home, tried again, and then took it back to the store.

Today we took out a 55" TV. We were able to barely get it around the steps, after a lot of sweating and straining. We even managed to avoid scuffing her walls. On the very last step, the guy at the top of the TV (not me) let the bottom drag on the step. A tiny piece of the finish peeled up on the bottom of the right side. About 3 inches worth. She noticed it immediately and started yelling "It broke! It broke!" Another guy and I were down at the bottom and started looking all over, afraid that the screen was falling out or something. We made it into her basement and tried to convince her that $1.50 bottle of glue would fix her problem and nobody would ever see it. We even pointed out that she was going to set that side against the wall anyway. She wouldn't budge. We have to go back tomorrow to drag that set up the stairs (avoiding the walls again), and take another one down.

I understand that they're spending $2000 on a TV, but we were going to give them $75 off for that little problem. If I was a waiter I'd be spitting in this lady's food. As it is, I'd consider screwing with her set, but then I know we'd just have to drag it up the stairs again. It didn't help that she tried to come on to one of the guys with us. We're all fed up.

Thursday, August 21, 2003

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
- Vince Lombardi

Music playing right now: Fiona Apple - Paper Bag

It has become painfully obvious that neither my brother nor I are Tiger Woods. We lack both the proper pigmentation and talent. We went to the driving range tonight, wasted $13 and didn't hit the little guy in the cart once. It was dissapointing. We'll have to go back and try again.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
- Napoleon Bonaparte

Music playing right now: The Dandy Warhols - We Used To Be Friends

A while ago now I caught my finger between a 36" TV and a counter. Needless to say, it hurt a bit at the time. It also gave me a blood blister. It stopped hurting after about 30 minutes or so, but two and a half weeks later I still have a huge frecklish spot on my finger. The color hasn't dissipated at all. At this point I'm hoping it stays forever. Sort of a beauty mark for my hand. Something to remind me of this job 30 years down the road. I can look at my hand and thank the sweet lord that I'm not still working there. I could use more scars anyway. I don't have enough to be a real man yet.

In other news, the new Dandy Warhols cd rocks my ass.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

No sane man will ever dance.
- Cicero

Music playing right now: Die Toten Hosen - Revenge

If life were a song, everybody would always be happy or depressed. There is no middle ground in the musical world. I have yet to hear a song that starts out, "It was just another day..." The closest I've heard is a singular piece of musical genius, the shortest blues song every written. It consists of one chord and one line: "I didn't wake up this morning."

Somebody should write a song about staring at their watch for hours waiting for work to be over.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Writing is easy, just sit down and open up a vein.
- I don't remember who said it.

Music playing right now: The Dandy Warhols - Not if You Were the Last Junkie on Earth

I have no inspiration for writing tonight. So instead read these wonderful blogs.
Sister Mary Karen is the chronicle of a person fighting with her catholicism. She's a damn spiffy person too.

This one is a more lighthearted blog where an anonymous man is attempting to determine if penis enlargement pills really do work.

Read, consume, propagate.

Sunday, August 17, 2003

Home, home on the range...
Music playing right now: The Dandy Warhols - We Used to be Friends

Highlights from Scotland:

1. Re-enacting scenes from Monty Python and the Holy Grail at Doune Castle
2. Chasing sheep
3. Meeting a very nice Australian bartender who attempted to explain cricket to me
4. Eating good Indian food with Britney Spears playing in the background
5. British comedy
5. Watching my brother eat black pudding
6. Staying at a vegetarian/environment-friendly bed and breakfast
7. The Edinburgh Festival Fringe

For the first 5 days we hiked every day. I quickly discovered that every town in Scotland is located in a valley. Which meant that every morning we'd wake up, walk up a small mountain, then walk down the other side in the afternoon. It was kind of tiring, but amazing to stand on top of a mountain all by your lonely self, in the middle of Scotland, and look down on all that grass and purple heather. The next couple days were spent various places around Scotland. Just in case you've ever wondered, Loch Ness looks just like every other lake ever made, it just has extra tourist shops.

I found out about 15 minutes ago that my mother managed to leave my camera in the rental car in Glasgow. Which means that until I can find a phone number, give them a call, plead with them to find it and mail it here, and then pick it out of my mailbox, no pictures. I'm a bit put out. Adios for now.

Saturday, August 16, 2003

Am finally back from my longest hiatus ever. I accomplished about half of my goals, which is acceptable. I've come back with a farmers tan, 3 new dandy warhols cds, a case of jet lag, and a new appreciation for people who can put up with bagpipes for more than 30 seconds. As soon as I get them developed, pictures will follow and as soon as my brain recovers stories will be close behind. Good to be home. Adios for now.

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go...

I can't go off and leave a post about scratching my balls up on top for 10 days. So instead how about a fun list.

10 things I plan to do in Scotland
1. Get a picture of me in front of the castle they used in Monty Python and the Holy Grail
2. Pick up a scottish accent
3. Try on a kilt
4. Avoid haggis
5. Get in the middle of a field and yell either "Freeeeeedommm!!!" or "MacLeod!!!"
6. Tell people I'm Sean Connery's nephew
7. Try some scottish beer. "American beer is like making love in a canoe. It's fucking close to water." (Monty Python)
8. Write a story involving plaid, scotch, and bonny lasses
9. Take a picture of me doing unnatural things with sheep
10. Get a copy of Zeppelin's greatest hits on bagpipe

Warning: If you're female or squeamish you may want to skip this.

Guys will be able to back me up on this. Sometimes your balls just itch. After a long day of work today I had that particular problem. I was in the back of the store, a warehouse-type portion. I was all alone, nobody around, so I stuck my hand down there to relieve a bit of the itch. Scratched for a while until I realized that I was standing right in the path of a closed circuit video camera. If I had planned it I couldn't have stood in a better position to get videotaped. There I was, standing there, my hand inserted in my cargo pants, my face contorted into a look of joy, when I glanced up to see the camera pointed straight at me. I quickly extracted my hand from my pants and walked nonchalantly back into the main shop. I glanced at the video screen as I passed. It was right in the center of view of anyone standing at the counter. I swear the lady behind there looked at me strangely. I walked past her as quickly as possible and left for the day. It's a good thing I'm going to be on vacation for a couple of weeks.

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

Every line of strength in American history is a line colored with Scottish blood.
- Woodrow Wilson

Music playing right now: Counting Crows - Catapult

Did you know that the television, bicycle, telephone, and adhesive postage stamp were all invented by scots? I'm headed to Scotland on Thursday with the family. It should be an interesting trip. Instead of doing the normal touristy things, we're going on a walking tour. Basically we start at one tiny little town in a puny inn/motel/house and over the course of the day walk 10-12 miles to the next one. Which is kind of cool, but also sounds a bit tiring. I'll let you know when I get back if it was worth it.

All this to tell you that unfortunately you'll have to do without me from thursday morning until the 17th. But if you are just gripped by an insane desire to be close to me, you could fulfill it by buying me crap. I've been lusting after LiveonRelease's new cd for a while. The drummer is hot. Just decided to let you know tonight cause I'm not feeling particularly inspired to write anything else. Adios for now.

P.S. The manboob situation has stabilized, that is to say, it doesn't look like they've changed.

Monday, August 04, 2003

Movies watched - 1 (American Wedding - v.g.), Hours worked - 7, Miles jogged - 1.5 (g.), Nachos eaten - 47 (v.b.)

Woke up this morning and hit snooze alarm twice. Was not good as had to shower, shave, grab something for lunch, and head to bank. All before going to work. Rushed through all and made it to work with 2 minutes to spare. Walked in and was handed a set of truck keys. Told to go collect a portable sign and tow it back to the storage area. Was a little apprehensive as have never towed anything in my life before, but managed to hitch it up in only 15 minutes. Drove back to storage at about 20 mph. Annoyed every driver behind me.

After lunch caught a glance of myself in store window as I was passing. Mouthed the words "What the hell?" Discovered that between breakfast and lunch had somehow sprouted manboobs. He-titties. Mannary glands. Spent the rest of work attempting to suck in chest and surreptitiously glancing in mirrors. Came home and made huge plate of nachos to console myself. Went to see American Wedding in vain attempt to distract self from boy bosom. Very funny movie but not entirely successful as diversionary tactic. Returned home and decided to take action. Jogged mile and a half with wheezing brother. Felt like squeezed sponge afterwards. Soaked the chair I sat in. Imagined all the calories I burned and manboobs melting away. Celebrated with big brownie.

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
- Yogi Berra

Music playing right now: The Police - Every Little Thing She Does is Magic

At work we have two distinct groups of people. There are the delivery guys, of which I am part, and the technicians. The delivery guys are all 18-25 year old guys who are just doing this because they couldn't find anything better and don't particularly enjoy their job. The technicians are 55-70, are in this job for the long haul, and like what they do. Occasionally the two groups comingle.

On Saturday the other delivery guy was late to work, so I had to take Wendell with me to deliver a TV. Wendell is about 55, balding, thick glasses, 40 pounds overweight, and every shirt he owns has a coffee stain on it. I would bet money that if his mother is still alive, he lives with her. He has no wedding ring. So we went and delivered the TV. The customer asked how to change channels on the remote and Wendell explained the whole thing. How the signal goes from the remote to the TV and is translated into blah de blah blah blah...

Finally we left and were riding back to the store in the company van. I attempted a bit of small talk, just to be nice. I found out that he's been fixing TVs for at least 30 years. His real passion however is freecell. I made the mistake of bringing up computers for some reason and he latched onto it like a rabid crocodile. He told me that he's beaten the first 522 games of freecell. The first 522! What a hobby. I was momentarily struck by how pathetic he was. Then I realized that he likes it. He's enjoying his life. So more power to him. Just a tip if you're out there playing freecell. According to Wendell, #512 is incredibly hard. It took him 6 or 7 games to beat it. So watch out. Adios for now.

Sunday, August 03, 2003

I know they can make new breeds of dogs by crossing them, but it is possible to make new species? Cause it would be cool to make a hamster that's colored like a parrot.

By the by, my brother made it into the washington post this week. About halfway down. Or you can just search for "Golden"

Saturday, August 02, 2003

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him if he'd like a beer. Descartes says "I think not," and dissappears.

Friday, August 01, 2003

What were they thinking?

Music playing right now: The New Pornographers - The Laws Have Changed

Just the facts ma'am.

I'm 21 years old.
I have at least a year and a half left before I finish college.
I have no idea what I want to do with my life besides a vague idea of writing.
I live at home with my parents.
The last girl I went out with is a psycho.
The last girl I kissed is amazing, but out of my league. In more ways than one.
I'm in a town where I don't really know anybody.
I'm stuck at home on Friday night watching bad reruns.
Life sucks.

Just in case you wondered why I turn to the twin evils of depression and alcohol every once in a while.

About Me

My wife thinks I'm awesome. Counter

Days since Dan entered into wedded bliss:

::Required Reading::
My beautiful wife
The Slot
A Capital Idea
eegah, eliot!
Practicing Myrtle
Obscure Store
The Plug


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