Dang it All
Trials and Travails of a 20-something
Tuesday, December 30, 2003

There's nothing quite like the look on your mother's face when she asks what your plans are for New Years Eve and you tell her, "Oh, I think I'll just stay at home and watch my balls drop."

Monday, December 29, 2003

Sometimes I forget just how kickass I am. But then, like today, I walk out to my mailbox and find a letter from a spiffy girl telling me just how great I really am. And my ego shoots right back up. Thanks katy.

Sunday, December 28, 2003

Sunday=Haircut Day

Self-portrait, 11:00:

Self-portrait, 1:00:

Saturday, December 27, 2003

Of all escape mechanisms, death is the most efficient.
- H.L. Mencken

Music playing right now: Propellerheads - Cominagetcha

I've been reading through a book of obituaries. Despite it's rather grim and macabre nature, it's really quite interesting. Kind of makes me wonder what my own obituary will be like. I'm hoping for something along the lines of:

Daniel Golden died today at the age of 87. Best known for his invention of the edible wig, he is survived by everybody reading this. When not inventing, Golden spent his time giving back to the community, volunteering at the local youth shelter, visiting area hospitals, and warning school children about the dangers of mixing lighters and farts. Services will be held Tuesday at the William Clinton Memorial Cemetery. Donations are being accepted in his name at local IHOPs.

Thursday, December 25, 2003

Happy Kwaanza!

I hope all of your festivities went well. My Christmas has been very good thus far. A visit with the grandparents for breakfast and then a brunch of christmas gifts. Gifts that included, among other things, a subscription to paste, a sweater vest, a Jiminy Glick dvd, and a digital camera. So now you get to see my mug up here much more often. Aren't you lucky? You know you are.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

I've become addicted to Grouphug. My life looks so much better now.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein

Music playing right now: Goldfinger - Dad

Hooray for unexpected Christmas bonuses!

On a different note...Dave and I delivered a TV to a guys house today. Nice TV, 52" LCD, but kind of weird guy. One of those that tries to act like he knows what he's talking about and then brags about getting "one of these new-fangled High Density TVs." But we lugged it inside and started setting it up. We needed another cable for his VCR and the guy told us no problem, he had a bunch. He opened up this cabinet and starting yanking out all sorts of wires. Apparently it was also where he kept his videos. A whole collection of porn. Must have been 20 different movies. I glanced over at Dave and we kind of looked at each other a bit strange and then both of us glanced over at his 12 year old daughter sitting on the couch. The world is a screwed up place.

Merry Christmas!

Monday, December 22, 2003

Am I the only one with an irrational fear of getting a toilet paper-cut?

Thursday, December 18, 2003

My entrepeneurial type brother has decided to start a liquor company. So far though, all he has are the brand names. He's going to start marketing "Estro-gin" and "Testoste-rum."

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

happy happy joy joy happy happy joy joy!!!
- Ren and Stimpy

Music playing right now: Fatboy Slim - Weapon of Choice

I've never been what you'd call a great college student. It's not that I'm not smart. I've got plenty of brains. It's just kind of a lcak of ambition and drive. after a couple months into the semester I just get tired of going to class. It's been a recurring problem over the past 7 semesters. Some worse than others. After my first year of college my GPA was 0.37. I'm still proud of that one.

My parents, understandably a bit miffed, decided to start making me pay for my own college. The only problem was that I had no money of my own. And my stellar grades had kind of killed any ideas of scholarships. So I ended up borrowing most of it from my parents. And I ended up in debt to them to the tune of somewhere around $25,000. I've been slowly paying it back at $400 a month for much too long now. They've always told me however that if I ever got straight A's in a semester, they'd just forgive all of my debt.

This semester I took five classes. I got my grades today. I got 1,2,3,4, and 5 A's. I am so incredibly chuffed. I just won the lottery. $20-some-thousand dollars I don't have to pay back anymore. Merry Christmas Dang.

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
- Albert Einstein

Music playing right now: Bloodhound Gang - Hell Yeah

It is official. I am one of the reigning princes of geekdom. I just got back from spending the last 16 hours at a movie theater. The first 3 waiting in line and the rest watching all 3 Lord of the Rings movies in a row. It was worth it.

I've never watched a series of movies where more men cry. Seriously, it's amazing. If you start keeping track, there's hardly a scene where there isn't some guy crying. Sam and Frodo's latent homo-erotic behavior was also a bit distracting. But other than that, a spectacular series of movies.

I am such a nerd.

Monday, December 15, 2003

"angry pasta. that's life."
- Katy

Friday, December 12, 2003

A warning to anybody who calls me or recevies a call from me this weekend:

I turned in my last paper for my last class of the semester today. My parents are both out of town for the weekend. I'm planning on staying pretty well drunk for the next two days.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.
- Mark Twain

Music playing right now: The Faint - Agenda Suicide

It's snowing. Right now. My socks are soaked. They probably don't smell that great.

Delivering TVs while it's snowing is not the most fun thing in the world. Especially when the van provided has no heat. That factors in a bit more heavily when sleet starts freezing to the windshield. A 4 mile trip requires 3 stops to scrape the ice off. Is $7 an hour worth this?

Monday, December 08, 2003

Too much of a good thing can be taxing.
- Mae West

Music playing right now: The Librarians - Record Store

Every few days I pass by a huge billboard with this image on it:

Am I just sick or is there something going on with his "bone" there?

Sunday, December 07, 2003

A question via my brother:

What would toilets look like if your knees bent the other way?

Saturday, December 06, 2003

Man, if only I could become a member of the Gert Jonnys. I'd be set for life.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

Part 1

He was never a particularly creative fellow. Once, in a college writing class, a teacher had told him to write a description of his soul in 5 sentences or less. He got as far as "I love hummus" before giving up. So when Rachel asked him to describe himself, Howard kept it pretty simple.

"5'10", 160, short black hair, affinity for dead musicians."


If he was perfectly honest with himself, he wasn't really sure why he was answering a personal ad in the first place. He liked the idea that it was because it was written incredibly well and bespoke of an intelligent, creative, vivacious girl. But in reality, he was probably just desperate.

It had been 3 years since he graduated from Syracuse University with his MLS degree. Never one to have many friends, one day he looked at Herman, his 3-toed box turtle, and realized he had become a recluse. He spent his days in the biography section of the library of congress, between Arthur Ashe and Betsy Wallace, inventor of the modern toaster oven. So when he glanced through the paper one Friday night and found an ad by an "SWF, 27, looking for someone full of life, who knows how to have a good time and isn't afraid to let loose," he was understandably a little hesitant.

It was the next Thursday when he finally responded to her plea for attention. He called up the personals number, waded through the myriad of menus presided over by an emotionless matriarch, and eventually reached her voice mailbox.

"Hi, my name is Howard. I read your ad and...umm...just wanted to say hi. You can reach me at (524)687-5921. I'm home after 5:30, Monday through Friday, after 10:00 AM on Saturdays because I have to take Herman for a walk, and all day Sunday. Although I might sleep in until 9:30 or so. But then again, I might not. On second thought, I probably won't, so feel free to call whenever you want on Sunday. Thanks. Oh, and my name is Howard."

Howard hung up the phone and repeated to himself the aphorisms he knew he was going to need. "It's not whether you win or lose...I'm special, just the way I am. There's plenty of fish in the sea." He went to bed and dreamed of his own autobiography, "Howard Barnsworth: Least Suave Man in America."

It was three days later that she called him back, 9:30 on the dot. "Howard! Did I catch you sleeping?"

Howard picked some crusty reminders of sleep out of his eyes. "No. Who is this?"

"Howie! I'm shocked! You don't recognize my voice? I'm hurt. I expected more from you. This is Rachel!"

"Rachel?" Howards half-comatose brain struggled to figure out why a girl named Rachel was calling his apartment. "Oh! Rachel! ummm...hi. How are you?"

"I am incredibly posh, thanks for asking. Just thought I'd give you a call before I hit the sack. So how's it hangin' on your end?"

"Ummm...good. It's hanging very well. To be honest, I'm not really sure how to proceed here. I've never answered one of these ads before. What do we do?"

"I figured you for a personals virgin, Howie. You didn't really have that furry chest, gold chain swingers voice. You don't mind if I call you Howie, do you?"

"Well, actually I really prefer..."

"Great! So describe yourself to me Howie. What are you like?"


Rachel bulldozed Howard into a date that Friday. They met at "The Turquoise Cow," a place as devoid of bovines as it was of culture. It's professed motto was "Drink! Don't Think!" Howard's drink of choice for years had been diet coke, occasionally on the rocks. He was a bit out of his element when they walked in. He felt in his pocket for his ear plugs.

Rachel bounced inside like a teletubbie on speed. Her spirits seemed immune to Howard's nerdish vibes. "C'mon Howie! let's go. We'll miss the keg stand contest. I almost won once, you know."

Howard adjusted his cardigan uncomfortably. He was sure he didn't know what was so hard about standing on a keg, but he felt he should express some sort of admiration anyway. "Wow. That's great. You must have good balance."

Rachel slapped him on the shoulder and he winced instinctively. "You're such a laugh Howie! C'mon, I wanna dance."

This was one area where Howard knew he was set. Despite the music blaring 60 db above safe levels and the crowds of inebriated people, he could still feel the beat underneath. All of his Lawrence Welk "Dance Like the Pros" videos were finally going to pay off. He stretched out his arm and offered Rachel his hand. "Shall we?"

She looked at him with a visage not totally void of awe and placed her hand in his. "Such a gentleman, Howard. I'm impressed."

He smiled at her use of his full name and led her onto the churning dance floor, collecting jealous glances like lightning bugs, head held assuredly high.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

At 10:22 yesterday morning I strode into Ed's office. Ed, my amiable used car salesman, looked up from the golf ball he was getting ready to putt and asked if he could help me. I told him, "I think I'll buy the car." Which makes me the new semi-proud owner of a '95 Mercury Sable. He will be called Rupert.

About Me

My wife thinks I'm awesome. Counter

Days since Dan entered into wedded bliss:

::Required Reading::
My beautiful wife
The Slot
A Capital Idea
eegah, eliot!
Practicing Myrtle
Obscure Store
The Plug


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